Tuesday, May 5, 2009

My Seinfeld Life

do you ever have those mornings where you wake up and from the moment you open your eyes everything seems to unfold like a Seinfeld episode? you know, how you just look around wondering where the cameras are, just knowing that Alan Funt is going to come out of some hidden wall and say, "smile! you're on candid camera!" (cue music..when you least expect it, you're elected, you're the star of the day. smile! your on candid camera...end music. and now i'm really age dating myself here). or maybe Ashton Kutcher is going to walk around the corner and let you know you've been punk'd.

this morning starts with an early wake up call from luca at 5am. now normally at this time he'd eat a little and go right back to sleep and then stir again around 6:30/7. not to be today! oh no! it certainly didn't seem to matter to luca that aaron needed his sleep in order to be fresh for his Solid Works class today. it certainly didn't seem to matter to luca that i'm back at work and needing more sleep than he's been allowing. nope! seriously, luca is THE ONLY erbeck i know that can get up that early and be happy and loud before a cup of coffee. good thing the kid is so cute!

so aaron takes off for his class and i have to get myself and true ready for our day. and somehow in the 4.5 months that i've been away from my job, i've forgotten how to prepare for work. you know, like blow drying hair, putting on makeup, wearing something besides sweat pants and a dirty t-shirt. i finally pull myself together and then i set to work on pulling true together.

pulling true together is like herding cats. it's really such a fun task and i thank my husband dearly for making my coffee so that the endeavor is tolerable (or at least i am tolerable). our conversation goes something like this:
(me) true, do you want to pick out pants to wear?
(true) no momma, you pick out my pants.
wait, no momma! i want to pick out my pants!!! i want to!! MOMMA I WANT TO PICK OUT MY PANTS!!! whaaaa!!! whaaaa!!!
(me) ok true, come over and pick out your pants.
(true) uh, no, you do it momma. you can do it. will you do it please momma? PLEASE pick out my pants momma!!!!! whaaaaaaaa!! WILLL (sniff sniff) YOUUU (sniff sniff) PICK OUT MY PANTS???? momma, you need to take care of me!
(repeat this performance for shirt, underwear, socks, shoes, jacket)

some of you might want think to yourselves that indeed i am the mother and my son should not be conducting the morning. well, i invite you over to give 'er a try. really, i do. i'll even pay your plane ticket.

i finally get true dressed and ready to go and my bag is packed and looking like checked luggage and i have to wonder do i really need all of this stuff for just one day of work? i look it over. and yes, i do. i need every little thing that is in this 30 pound bag.

ok, nanny is here, it's 8am, kiss to luca, let's go to preschool true and boom. back into the house. true has to poop. i'll spare you the details of this painful ritual. for one, who wants to hear about poop? for two, someday my son will read this blog entry and i should spare some of his dignity. suffice to say, said poop ritual adds another .5 hours to our house departure. now, i'm officially late for my third day back to work. this looks good.

i stumble into work, late, soaked from our lovely may rain storm, and a little disoriented. i get head nods, eyebrow raises, i see folks turn their heads and whisper to one another while still looking at me. great way to start the day.

i start unloading my bag of goods. i'm fumbling with my pumping (yes, that would be BREAST pumping)supplies when a few co-workers and a department visitor stop in to ask for something. i drop the bag, the bottles and cones roll out into plain view. one of them stoops to help me pick up when he realizes he is touching BREAST milk pumping equipment. the look of terror was priceless and for maybe the third time in my adult life, i am actually blushing. whoopsie.

at the lunch hour i need to go to the local outdoor, overpriced, upscale mall (they call it a village) to make some returns. i get my lunch. pea soup. it's green and chunky. i drive back to campus and see flashing cop lights behind me. bummer for somebody i think. poor sucker. i pull over and it dawns on me that these lights are for me. i am on campus and i am being pulled over and now i'm realizing that this is pretty embarrassing.
(cop) miss, get back into your car
(me) oh ok. sorry sir
(cop) license, registration, insurance please
(me) uh, ok. (fumble, fumble). oh, whoops, not that license, uh, ok, here's mine. i mean the other one is mine too, it's just that well, it's my maiden name license. i mean you can check that one too if you want. sir. officer. sir. i don't why i hang on to it. well, it's because...
(cop) miss. this will do. registration, insurance please.
(me) uhhh ok. let's see. hmm. this really is my husband's car so i don't know where... (fumble, fumble). oh here, is this it? oh looks like this insurance card is expired. trust me though sir, i pay my insurance.
(cop) i don't know you, why should i trust you?
(me) oh well i assure you...blah blah blah
(cop) (with his hand up) enough miss. i'm not giving you a ticket today. but if i did, it would come out to be about $780. lack of proof of insurance, head light out, speeding. do you understand that today is your lucky day?
(me) that's very nice of you sir! (mumble mumble about how much i respect the law....)
(cop) slow down. fix your light. get insurance. goodbye.

i go on my embarrassed way...slowly...and park. it's still pouring rain. i have my umbrella in one hand, my exercise ball under my arm, my bag and lunch in my other hand. i don't know how, but some how, the bottom of the lunch bag got wet and my lunch (remember, it's green and chunky pea soup) plummets through the soggy bottom. and crashes to the ground. and opens up. and splatters everything i am wearing. and my exercise ball too. (which i don't discover until later, after i have cleaned up, and i sit on the ball).

this is my day. this is my lovely Seinfeld day.

1 comment:

To Blog or Not to Blog said...

Oh wow! And that was only through lunchtime. I hope it got better! I thought my day yesterday sucked, but I don't think so any more. Thanks!